Pick of the Week—Best of 2013
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Here’s the best of my grab-bag pick of the best illustration inspiring celebrity gossip, scandals, arts, entertainment, & just plain quirky stories & picture sexiness for 2013.
Disclaimer: Any comments I make are purely satirical, totally without foundation, and likely were best wrote before tonight’s festivities, that’s for sure!
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2013 Best of …
Celeb stories
Did she jump or was she pushed? January saw Britney Spears quit X Factor USA, but did she jump or was she merely escorted away for being too… boring?
Options reconsidered by her management led to hotels begining a bidding war for a Vegas residency, because, if Elvis could eat-out Sin City’s crime syndication, Brit-Brit could do similar with fried-chicken!
January also saw Shakira do the done thing and pose her baby bump much to the delight of those with the pregnancy fetishism that bumped into the popular culture mainstream with Demi Moore’s Vanity Fair.
Nicki Minaj’s fued with Mariah Carey flaired up again, with the American Idol judges almost coming to blows over a contestant in January, Nicki slamming “insecure, bitter” Mariah on Twitter in May, before they jumped ship in unison in June as the show hit the ratings rocks.
February saw Beyoncé make up for her inauguration lip-syncing by winning the Super Bowl, but asking for un-flatteringly fierce photos to be pulled.
Not a great year by far for Tulisa Contostavlos with February seeing her get the X Factor axe and, after splitting from Danny Simpson in June, found herself the target of a tabloid sting which netted her supplying cocaine and puzzlingly, false promises by some mystery fakkar of new career in Bollywood!
March saw hacktivism jump the shark with Anonymous hackers leaking documents purporting Emma Watson was in for the Fifty Shades of Grey flick after all!
The flick finally had a release date annouced in July but after rumours of Mila Kunis back in January following on from Alexis Bledel last year, when casting was finally named as Dakota Johnson and Charlie Hunnam Jamie Dornan in September it’s inevitable over-hyped dissapointment protests ensued.
March finally saw the long-awaited Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens bikini-fest Spring Breakers released. So how’d it do?.
March also saw Amanda Bynes tweet a graphic invitation to her vagina to rapper Drake. Sadly, as many had assumed, Amanda proved to have been most unwell during her Twitter outbursts and thankfully accepted treatment to which she responded well (contactmusic.com).
March saw Kim Kardashian and her rappin’ tailor beau Kanye West capitalising on the gigantic G cups pregnancy had lent her and June had her show off her huge baby bump in bikini days before giving birth.
Certainly not the best of years again for Lindsay Lohan but made much more bearable for us in April when she greeted Florianópolis in Brazil breast-first on arrival.Thankfully, her fashion gig it seems featured little in the way of brassieres.
August saw her bare her ginger juggs in The Canyons to much critical unattention, alas.
May had Gwyneth Paltrow go commando for the Iron Man 3 premiere but things got ugly on Twitter when People crowned her world’s most beautiful woman and the lifestyle goop guru kept on (and on) talking about shaving that 70s bush.
May had Christina Aguilera proudly show off her dramatic weight loss but tell how she’d not lost the love for those curves, and Xtina was red hot for Maxim in September..
June saw Rita Ora and quirky face-pulling Brit top model “wifey” Cara Delevingne fall out over some dirty up-the-bum dancing which delivered Cara to Rita-rival Rihanna who whisked each other away like crazy on a boozy holiday in July in turn leaving Rita tongue to tongue with Iggy Azalea before making up and out again as BFF in October. Awww!
August had Lady Gaga get nude and artpopishly primal for and the “Abramovic Method”, which seemed to cause many other musos to take her act much more seriously than anyone else does.
September then saw Miley Cyrus twerk the VMAs and a wrecking ball was smashed through polite society which she was naked on.
Splitting with Liam Hemsworth and hooking up with her producer Mike Will Made It (quite soar I’m sure) a veritable overture of debauched twerkage, tongue pokage and crotch grabbage ensued repleat with twerking dwarves and face pulling mushrooms. It all proved too much for some though, pursuading many, if not all, of her once eager elder gentleman fans that they didn’t, indeed hadn‘t, really liked her after all and many old tears were shed I’m sure.
In October she finally answed a long asked question: “just how big are those areolas after all?” for saintly Terry Richardson.
Widely eyed to become TIME magazine’s person of the year for causing all that fuss, she was suprising pipped to the post at the last minute by the Egyptian general who ousted former President Mohamed Morsi, Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, who gratefully planned much celebration with his own wrecking balls and a brand new shopping mall with a Harvey Nichols.
October saw Rihanna lick Damien Hirst’s snake for GQ’s 25th anniversary. The serpent finally recovered but has since retired from that scene.
And finally, after much controversy rumouring the contest was rigged, November saw Dai Macedo crowned Miss BumBum Brazil 2013 with her her 42in bunda enorme!
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Leaked pictures & sex tapes
February saw a sex tape leaked of busty Argentinian dancer and comic impressionist Fátima Florez. As you can see, she’s quite big indeed over there.
March gave a self-shot full frontal leaked nude selfie from Roswell’s Shiri Appleby.
One of the most poked stories of the year came right up in April when Teen Mom’s Farrah Abraham made a “sex tape” with porn star James Deen!
Featuring much back-door action and that female phenomenon squirting—once known as peeing—much was made of it both up and down and with its authenticity as a leaked sex tape receiving heavy rear pounding, nerves frayed with Farrah accusing Dean of having a small dinkle despite much gaping POV evidence of of the backdoor impact it had on her to the contrary. It bought her new non-porn boobs in June though.
Oops! Best wardrobe malfunctions
January saw sweaty sweat pants a gym area issue for Ashley Greene—either that or she peed herself, your call.
Vanessa Hudgens’ soaked crotch went on to make a similar, more convincingly peed appearance in March.
February saw Miranda Kerr flash her lady nest during a beach cartwheel.
July saw Kate Moss wearing no knickers filming in London.
August saw Toni Braxton bare her bum for New Jersey concert-goers.
Jennifer Nicole Lee give some full bootage pool slippage in September and her cho cho in October!
November had Iggy Azalea give some oops exposure at the MTV EMAs in Amsterdam.
November saw Nina Agdal slip a tittie for Bebe’s Spring 2014 campaign.
And finally, December saw Rosie Huntington-Whiteley fashionably slip a nip at the British Fashion Awards.
Arts, culture, tech. & funnies
February saw a giant asteroid give Earth a record-setting close shave on Valentine’s day, predictably jumped on by those claiming 14th February may be humankind’s last hurrah and chance to do it up there.
Anger was roused in February when Banksy’s Poundland mural was ripped from wall and set for auction in Miami further raising a chuckle from him I guess at the furore of a piece of anti-establishment public art being pinched for profit and tax-payers pennies being spent to repair the damage and hold back the disconsolate public art pilgrims at the wailing wall.
October saw the anti-establishment art rascal on a monthlong scrawl on the streets of NYC, bringing riches to any on a street corner he’d done his thing with access to cardboard and an intimidating scowl to cover it and charge for a peek. Most critics just didn’t get it, but someone, okay, his biographer aimed to prove them wrong.
Google Glass was all the hype long before its release, showing tech. specs in action in February, much being made of that it would not be welcome everywhere and that it would not be hitting the shelves until 2014 anyway in April. Google said “NO” to porn apps on Glass in June, but that did little to stop porn trying to still give a squirt in the eye in July.
Much was made and a lot more misunderstood by British P.M.
David Cameron’s attempts to crackdown on internet porn to divert attention protect the innocent. Suprisingly, this was one occassion where the usually contrary reacting Ukip opportunist leader Nigel Farage for once did not step in to insist he liked prolapse porn and Little England should be welcome to have it!
Swedish men were warned in August to keep trunks and a look out for testicle-eating fish found on the loose in Sweden.
October saw The Silk Road, the webs nefarious underground drugs and hitmen-for-hire bazaar shut down by FBI.
Lastly, no longer content to just wrestle bears, October also saw Vladimir Putin gear up to battle zombie hordes in a video game.
And finally, sad news
May saw feted special effects creator Ray Harryhausen sadly pick up those tired but much loved bones and finally roll wagon for Gwangi.
May then had Angelina Jolie tremendously bravely reveal she had a double mastectomy because of faulty BRCA1 gene in an open letter to the NY Times. #bcaware
May also had the final footage of Diva de la Banda Jenni Rivera broadcast on I Love Jenni.
July saw Enter the Dragon’s Jim Kelly pass on.
That’s it
So there you have it, those were my picks of the year. Did I miss anything? If you feel so, please let me know. Wishing you a wonderful start to 2014!
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